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Humorous Scripts: A case of mistaken identity Author: Douglas Brown

 

FX                                                      ACOUSTICS WITH THE REVERBERATIONS OF A COURTROOM

JUDGE                                              And you say that in your opinion the image on the videotape is that of the defendant.

 

EXPERT WITNESS                        Yes my Ludd.

 

JUDGE                                              And that in your opinion the voice on the videotape is the voice of the defendant.

 

EXPERT WITNESS                        Yes my Ludd.

                                                          

JUDGE                                              And in you professional opinion would you say that the location where the videotape was taken is indeed the private club in             which the accused aledgedly attended.

 

EXPERT WITNESS                        Yes my Ludd.

                                                          

JUDGE                                              Thank you, you may now step down.

 

COURT OFFICIAL                           Mr Sheridan to the stand.

 

JUDGE                                              Would you please take the book in your right hand            and readw hat is written on the card.

 

TOMMY                                             I do solemnly swear ….. that the truth I give …..      shall be the truth….. the whole truth ….  And nuffin but  the truth …. So help me Goad.

 

JUDGE                                              Are you Thomas Sheridan Leader of the    Solidarity Party.

 

TOMMY                                             Aye Ma Loard

 

JUDGE                                               Mr Sheridan are aware of the laws concerning perjury?

 

TOMMY                                             I most certainly am ma Loard.

 

JUDGE                                              Could you please explain to this court, how you can possibly deny that you entered the said club and spoke those words.  When the evidence clearly given by the expert witness shows that the recordings had not been tampered with, in any way.  And , that in his            opinion it was you who entered those premises and it was you who spoke those words?

 

TOMMY                                              Aye Ma Loard, Ah can easily deny it wus me.

 

JUDGE                                              And how do you intend to do that….

                                                           Mr Sheridan?

 

TOMMY                                             First Aff.  I believe it wus organised by Mr Murdoch and MI5.  That video is clearly from a different dimension of reality.  A parallel universe where anither guy what looks jist like me, although without the good suntan, did in fact enter rose premises and spoke rose words.  But it wusny me, Ah wusny   rare an ah didny say nuffin.

 

JUDGE                                              Mr Sheridan do you expect this court to believe that this evidence came through … some kind of a time        warp…. from an alternative universe?  And that the     person we see on the tape and speaking those words is not you?

 

TOMMY                                             Aye Ma Lord.  Just as much as I expect this Court tae believe that, yon wummin stoanin wie her cor keys beside yon alternative me, is non ither than an alternative version uv your Lordship's wife…. Ma Loard.

 

JUDGE                                              What! Let me see.

                                                           (PAUSE)

 

FX                                                GAVEL HAMMERING DOWN

JUDGE                                              Case Dismissed

 

                                                           END

 

 
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