AN ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS NATIVITY PLAY

SCENE ONE, ACT ONE

Council House in Drumchapel, Glasgow. Sound of television blaring in the background.

JOSEPH          Right, we’d best be off to Bethlehem.

MARY            Do we have to go? There’s a dead brilliant program on the tellie?

JOSEPH          Of course we have to go – you’ll get another bloody ASBO if you don’t show up. (Note 1)

MARY            Oh shit – I can’t be arsed. Phone them up and tell them we can’t make it.

JOSEPH          Don’t be so bloody stupid – the phone hasn’t been invented yet – and neither has the television for that matter.

Sound Effects:     Television suddenly stops blaring in background – deadly silence.

MARY            So I suppose we can’t use the car either then.

JOSEPH          No – it’s not been invented – and anyway I can’t afford one.

MARY            So we have to walk?

JOSEPH        Yep.

MARY            I can’t do it – not in my condition.

JOSEPH        Well, it’s your own bloody fault – getting yourself pregnant.

MARY            Don’t blame me – I’m still a virgin you know.

JOSEPH        Yeah – right!

MARY            It’s true – it came from the Holy Spirit.

JOSEPH        I know – I heard you shouting, “Oh my God . . . Oh my God”.

MARY            Honest . . . I wouldn’t tell you a lie . . . I’ve never had sex with a man.

JOSEPH       Would you go on Trisha and take a DNA test?

Sound Effects:     Silence – complete lack of Mary saying anything.

MARY            So if we’re going to Bethlehem can we at least take a donkey-taxi. 

JOSEPH        Okay, I’ll call one . . . . Shit!

MARY            What’s up?

JOSEPH        Just remembered – they haven’t invented phones yet.

SCENE ONE, ACT ONE AND A HALF

[CAROL :- We three king from Govan are.]

1st WISE PERSON  Shit – what’s that bright thing in the sky.

2nd WISE PERSON It’s a supersonic aeroplane.

1st WISE PERSON  Can’t be - aeroplanes haven’t been invented yet.

2nd WISE PERSON  Oh! So it must be a sign from God that he has sent his only son to suffer and die so that we all may be saved from eternal damnation in Hell.

1st WISE PERSON  Spot on – let’s follow it – wherever it may lead us.

STAR: Hello everyone. I don’t have a speaking part – but shit, I spent three weeks at rehearsals, so I’ve got every bit a right to speak as the rest of them.

TREE: Good point Star – Hello Mummy.

COW: Shut up you two – you always spoil everything.

3rd WISE PERSON  We’d better take along some presents.

1st WISE PERSON  Do we have to?

3rd WISE PERSON  Yeah! It’s Christmas after all.

2nd WISE PERSON  Shit – I’ll need to nip along to Woolworths for something.

SCENE TWO

Mary and Joseph are standing at the door of the inn. (The one round the corner from the chemists – next to the traffic lights)

[CAROL :- COME ALL YE FAITHLESS]

JOSEPH         So have you got a room?

INNKEEPER Nope.

MARY            But my baby could drop at any moment – you must have something.

INNKEEPER Well – you can have free use of my castle – it’s got seventy-three rooms and ten bathrooms – so that will give you some space to get comfortable.

JOSEPH         Don’t be stupid man.

INNKEEPER  What’s up with that?

JOSEPH        She’s about to have the son of God (or at least that what she claims). It wouldn’t look right if he was born in a castle! When they write his biography it needs to be a dramatic rags to riches story . . . well rags to crucifixion story. A castle’s far too middle-class.

INNKEEPER  You could have the stable if you wish.

JOSEPH        Is it cold and damp and covered in cow shit?

INNKEEPER  No – it’s actually quite cosy and clean.

JOSEPH        Could you go and rough it up a bit – we’re expecting some wise men at anytime.

INNKEEPER  No problem.

SCENE TWO – ACT TWO

In a big field – full of mad cows and strangely betrayed sheep.

1st SHEPHERD The sheep seem very restless tonight.

2nd SHEPHERD Have you been up to your old tricks again 3^rd-Sheperd.

3rd SHEPHERD I haven’t touched any of the honest.

Sound Effects:     Flashing light – thunder – lay it on thick.

The ARCH ANGEL appears – lowered on a rope from above.

4th SHEPHERD What in Christ's name is that!

1st SHEPHERD Who's Christ?

3rd SHEPHERD Wait a moment – there’s only supposed to be three shepherds.

1st SHEPHERD That’s right – where the hell did he come from.

2nd SHEPHERD I know – he’s that useless twat that failed the auditions.

1^st, 2nd and 3^rd SHEPHERDS Bugger off you – go on – get off the bloody stage.

4th SHEPHERD Away and break a bloody leg the lot of you – bunch of fucking wasters.

ARCH ANGEL  Fear not o’ lowly shepherds – I bring you tidings of joy.

2nd SHEPHERD  Our pay rise has finally come through?

ARCH ANGEL  No nothing quite so amazing as that – but tonight a child will be born who will change the world – he will be the new king.

1st SHEPHERD What Elvis? Elvis is being born tonight?

ARCH ANGEL Not Elvis stupid – Jesus – Jesus Christ.

3rd SHEPHERD There’s no need for blasphemy!

[CAROL :- WHILST SHEPHERDS SHAG THERE SHEEP BY NIGHT]

SCENE TWO – ACT THREE

Nothing happens in this act.

SCENE THREE

In the shit covered stable – surrounded by shit covered cows.

MARY            Owwww – ouchhhh – waaaa – ochhy waawaaa oachhhh

JOSEPH        Stop bloody moaning – I’m trying to get some sleep.

MARY            The bloody wean’s about to drop.

JOSEPH        Just get on with it woman.

MARY            AAAAHHHHH – OH MY GOD.

Sound Effects:     Slurping sort of noise – sort of thing of a ten pound baby coming gushing out a woman’s lower regions.

JESUS       Waaaaaa  . . . Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaaa

GOD           It’s a boy . . .  Yippeeeeee.

JOSEPH        Will you shut that wean up for Christ sake.

JESUS        Daddy.

GOD and JOSEPH        Yes my son.

JESUS          Yes my sons.

GOD           This is too confusing – I’m out of here.

MARY        Joseph answer the stable door.

JOSEPH      Too late the horse has bolted.

COW           Moooo – Mooooo – Mooooove over, I can see my mum in the audience.

SHEEP        Baaaa Baaaa Baaaa – Baaaaastard, my dad’s pissed!

Mary and Joseph cuddle their child.

DALEK:   Excuse me . . . think I’m in the wrong play . . . . exterminate . . . exterminate . .

Sound Effects:     Jesus craps down Mary’s best dress.

SCENE THREE   -  ACT EIGHTY-FOUR

Still in the shitty stable – but now the wise men and shepherds have arrived so it smells even shittier.

JOSEPH        Welcome to our humble abode.

MARY            He means stable.

JOSEPH        No I don’t I mean abode – I learnt my lines so shut up.

6^th TREE        I’ve wet my panties.

1st SHEPHERD We be coming here on a strange and mysterious errand. (Looking at the 2nd SHEEP -  Hiya Gordon – going for a pint after this?) An angel told us that a wondrous baby would be born here tonight and he would be saviour of all the world.

JOSEPH     Well . . . I wouldn’t call him wondrous but he's okay for a wean.

JESUS          Hey – watch what you’re saying about me!

JOSEPH     Cool it.

1st WISE PERSON     I have brought you gold.

JOSEPH             Excellent – maybe I can buy a car now – well when they invent them.

2nd WISE PERSON      And I have brought you frankincense.

MARY       Oh thanks. My Channel Number 5 is nearly finished.

3rd WISE PERSON  And I have brought you myrrh

JESUS   Myrrh? Myrrh? You bring me bloody myrrh? Could you not have brought me a teddy bear or an X-Box or something decent.

3rd WISE PERSON  Sorry Big-J, Woolworths was shut – only the chemist was open.

JESUS   Well this is turning out to be one shite birthday I can tell you.

GOD     Listen you lot down there – Gonna just stop moaning all the time – I’m trying to get some rest. Bloody anti-social neighbours! Don’t know why I bother!!!

(Note 1) ASBO – Anti-Social Behaviour Order is an award given to hooligans for violent behaviour, wrecking cars, killing cats, etc etc etc