ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS NATIVITY PLAY
SCENE ONE, ACT ONE
Council House in Drumchapel, Glasgow. Sound of television blaring in the
JOSEPH Right, we’d best be off to Bethlehem.
MARY Do we have to go? There’s a dead brilliant program on the tellie?
JOSEPH Of course we have to go – you’ll get another bloody ASBO if you don’t
show up. (Note 1)
MARY Oh shit – I can’t be arsed. Phone them up and tell them we can’t make it.
JOSEPH Don’t be so bloody stupid – the phone hasn’t been invented yet – and
neither has the television for that matter.
Sound Effects: Television suddenly stops blaring in background – deadly silence.
MARY So I suppose we can’t use the car either then.
JOSEPH No – it’s not been invented – and anyway I can’t afford one.
MARY So we have to walk?
MARY I can’t do it – not in my condition.
JOSEPH Well, it’s your own bloody fault – getting yourself pregnant.
MARY Don’t blame me – I’m still a virgin you know.
JOSEPH Yeah – right!
MARY It’s true – it came from the Holy Spirit.
JOSEPH I know – I heard you shouting, “Oh my God . . . Oh my God”.
MARY Honest . . . I wouldn’t tell you a lie . . . I’ve never had sex with a man.
JOSEPH Would you go on Trisha and take a DNA test?
Sound Effects: Silence – complete lack of Mary saying anything.
MARY So if we’re going to Bethlehem can we at least take a donkey-taxi.
JOSEPH Okay, I’ll call one . . . . Shit!
MARY What’s up?
JOSEPH Just remembered – they haven’t invented phones yet.
SCENE ONE, ACT ONE AND A HALF
[CAROL :- We three king from Govan are.]
1st WISE PERSON Shit – what’s that bright thing in the sky.
2nd WISE PERSON It’s a supersonic aeroplane.
1st WISE PERSON Can’t be - aeroplanes haven’t been invented yet.
2nd WISE PERSON Oh! So it must be a sign from God that he has sent his only son
to suffer and die so that we all may be saved from eternal damnation in Hell.
1st WISE PERSON Spot on – let’s follow it – wherever it may lead us.
STAR: Hello everyone. I don’t have a speaking part – but shit, I spent three
weeks at rehearsals, so I’ve got every bit a right to speak as the rest of them.
TREE: Good point Star – Hello Mummy.
COW: Shut up you two – you always spoil everything.
3rd WISE PERSON We’d better take along some presents.
1st WISE PERSON Do we have to?
3rd WISE PERSON Yeah! It’s Christmas after all.
2nd WISE PERSON Shit – I’ll need to nip along to Woolworths for something.
Mary and Joseph are standing at the door of the inn. (The one round the corner
from the chemists – next to the traffic lights)
[CAROL :- COME ALL YE FAITHLESS]
JOSEPH So have you got a room?
MARY But my baby could drop at any moment – you must have something.
INNKEEPER Well – you can have free use of my castle – it’s got seventy-three
rooms and ten bathrooms – so that will give you some space to get comfortable.
JOSEPH Don’t be stupid man.
INNKEEPER What’s up with that?
JOSEPH She’s about to have the son of God (or at least that what she claims). It
wouldn’t look right if he was born in a castle! When they write his biography it
needs to be a dramatic rags to riches story . . . well rags to crucifixion
story. A castle’s far too middle-class.
INNKEEPER You could have the stable if you wish.
JOSEPH Is it cold and damp and covered in cow shit?
INNKEEPER No – it’s actually quite cosy and clean.
JOSEPH Could you go and rough it up a bit – we’re expecting some wise men at
INNKEEPER No problem.
SCENE TWO – ACT TWO
In a big field – full of mad cows and strangely betrayed sheep.
1st SHEPHERD The sheep seem very restless tonight.
2nd SHEPHERD Have you been up to your old tricks again 3rd-Sheperd.
3rd SHEPHERD I haven’t touched any of the honest.
Sound Effects: Flashing light – thunder – lay it on thick.
The ARCH ANGEL appears – lowered on a rope from above.
4th SHEPHERD What in Christ's name is that!
1st SHEPHERD Who's Christ?
3rd SHEPHERD Wait a moment – there’s only supposed to be three shepherds.
1st SHEPHERD That’s right – where the hell did he come from.
2nd SHEPHERD I know – he’s that useless twat that failed the auditions.
1st, 2nd and 3rd SHEPHERDS Bugger off you – go on – get off the bloody stage.
4th SHEPHERD Away and break a bloody leg the lot of you – bunch of fucking
ARCH ANGEL Fear not o’ lowly shepherds – I bring you tidings of joy.
2nd SHEPHERD Our pay rise has finally come through?
ARCH ANGEL No nothing quite so amazing as that – but tonight a child will be
born who will change the world – he will be the new king.
1st SHEPHERD What Elvis? Elvis is being born tonight?
ARCH ANGEL Not Elvis stupid – Jesus – Jesus Christ.
3rd SHEPHERD There’s no need for blasphemy!
[CAROL :- WHILST SHEPHERDS SHAG THERE SHEEP BY NIGHT]
SCENE TWO – ACT THREE
Nothing happens in this act.
In the shit covered stable – surrounded by shit covered cows.
MARY Owwww – ouchhhh – waaaa – ochhy waawaaa oachhhh
JOSEPH Stop bloody moaning – I’m trying to get some sleep.
MARY The bloody wean’s about to drop.
JOSEPH Just get on with it woman.
MARY AAAAHHHHH – OH MY GOD.
Sound Effects: Slurping sort of noise – sort of thing of a ten pound baby coming
gushing out a woman’s lower regions.
JESUS Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaaa
GOD It’s a boy . . . Yippeeeeee.
JOSEPH Will you shut that wean up for Christ sake.
GOD and JOSEPH Yes my son.
JESUS Yes my sons.
GOD This is too confusing – I’m out of here.
MARY Joseph answer the stable door.
JOSEPH Too late the horse has bolted.
COW Moooo – Mooooo – Mooooove over, I can see my mum in the audience.
SHEEP Baaaa Baaaa Baaaa – Baaaaastard, my dad’s pissed!
Mary and Joseph cuddle their child.
DALEK: Excuse me . . . think I’m in the wrong play . . . . exterminate . . .
exterminate . .
Sound Effects: Jesus craps down Mary’s best dress.
SCENE THREE - ACT EIGHTY-FOUR
Still in the shitty stable – but now the wise men and shepherds have arrived so
it smells even shittier.
JOSEPH Welcome to our humble abode.
MARY He means stable.
JOSEPH No I don’t I mean abode – I learnt my lines so shut up.
6th TREE I’ve wet my panties.
1st SHEPHERD We be coming here on a strange and mysterious errand. (Looking at
the 2nd SHEEP - Hiya Gordon – going for a pint after this?) An angel told us
that a wondrous baby would be born here tonight and he would be saviour of all
JOSEPH Well . . . I wouldn’t call him wondrous but he's okay for a wean.
JESUS Hey – watch what you’re saying about me!
JOSEPH Cool it.
1st WISE PERSON I have brought you gold.
JOSEPH Excellent – maybe I can buy a car now – well when they invent them.
2nd WISE PERSON And I have brought you frankincense.
MARY Oh thanks. My Channel Number 5 is nearly finished.
3rd WISE PERSON And I have brought you myrrh
JESUS Myrrh? Myrrh? You bring me bloody myrrh? Could you not have brought me a
teddy bear or an X-Box or something decent.
3rd WISE PERSON Sorry Big-J, Woolworths was shut – only the chemist was open.
JESUS Well this is turning out to be one shite birthday I can tell you.
GOD Listen you lot down there – Gonna just stop moaning all the time – I’m
trying to get some rest. Bloody anti-social neighbours! Don’t know why I
(Note 1) ASBO – Anti-Social Behaviour Order is an award given to hooligans for
violent behaviour, wrecking cars, killing cats, etc etc etc