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Humorous Scripts: Abbott and Costello Radio Script Author: Abbott and Costello
 

Lou: HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY AAABBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!!
Music - applause - whistling
Lou: Hey Abbott, Hey Abbott, Abbott!! (all excited)
Bud: Co-
Lou: Abbott!
Bud: Costello - Costello - Costello! Calm yourself!! Why are you so excited??
Lou: Hey Abbott! I think the war is over!
Bud: OOhh, that's silly. What makes you think the war is over?
Lou: I heard the lady next door talking back to her maid! (lots of laughs)
Bud: Well, never mind that (Lou can be heard in the background talking and the audience is still laughing) - Yes (answering to him) - Look Never mind that Lou
Bud: Look, you know we have got to drive out to the 'eight-to-the-bar' ranch to see the Andrews sisters. Now did you borrow Ken Miles' car?
Lou: Oh yeah, I borrowed it, just like you told me
Bud: Well, that's Swell
Lou: But I had a terrible accident Abbott
Bud: What do you mean?
Lou: I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or Ken Miles wife won't like it!
Bud: well, we can do that when we come back from the Andrews Sisters' ranch
Lou: No, I gotta turn the car over right now or Mrs. Niles is going to be mad
Bud: I'll explain to Mrs. Niles. Where is she?
Lou: She's under the car! (Audience laughs)
Bud: She under the car?? eh eh, is she in a coma??
Lou: No, she's wearing her evening gown!
Bud: Ohhh! Well then lets get Ken Niles to help us lift the car!
Lou: OOhh, Kenneth's in a good spot to help us
Bud: Fine! eh, where is he?
Lou: He's under the car too!
Bud: For goodness sakes! How did this accident happen?
Lou: I bumped into another car Abbott, boy that driver was mad at me
Lou: He said ' for 2 cents, I'd punch you in the nose'
Bud: And what happened?
Lou: He ran up a bill of 8 dollars! (Lots of laughs from the audience!)
Bud: You were silly to argue with the driver! Why didn't you call a policeman?
Lou: I didn't have too - I hit one!
Bud: You hit a policeman?
Lou: I hit a policeman
Bud: You hit a Policeman in uniform?
Lou: No, I hit him in the nose
Bud: ooh, this liable to spoil our whole trip to the Andrews Sisters ranch - eh, did the cop recognize you?
Lou: Yep
Bud: eh, could he swear to you?
Lou: yep - and I'd swear right back at him! (lots of laughs)
Lou: I said you old David Copperfield you tale of two cities you Oliver Twist
Bud: Why did you say that for?
Lou: I was giving him the Dickens!
Lots of laughs and applause - more laughs
Bud: ohhh, this is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten you out with that policeman. Where is he?
Lou: He's under the car too!
Bud: What are they all doing under the car?
Lou: Have you took it apart lately? (Really can't make it this line, I think this is what he says) - the audience don't appear to understand him either
Bud: oh oh - uh oh, here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles. Better beat it Costello!
Mrs. Niles: Oh no you don't ! You fat headed, flabby, car flipping fool! Do you realise you left me out there under the car holding up my Rumbleweed (can't make out this word either)
Mrs. Niles: Don't stand there like an idiot, what have you got to say?
Lou: Good Morning Mrs. Niles (Thought she was wearing her evening gown!)
Mrs. Niles: Don't 'good morning' me!
Lou: Good night Mrs. Niles! That day went fast didn't it? (lots of laughs from audience!)
Bud: Costello! Why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of her car?
Lou: Well, isn't that where they always keep the crank?
Mrs. Niles: Kenneth...
Lou: (after audience stops laughing) <shouts> (Probably an add-lib) You had it coming Mrs. Niles!
Bud: No no. Be nice Lou.
Mrs. Niles: (continuing from her last sentence) Kenneth, Say something
Mr. Niles: Well, alright...I er...Just a minute now you worm
Lou, Bud mumble together. Bud: Alright alright - please. Lou: Go ahead, go ahead ball me out kid! You're supposed to
Mr. Niles: (trying not to laugh) You're trying to wiggle out of this! What about me? Look at my suit! I'm a mess!
Lou: Niles! Without looking at your suit, you're a mess!
Mr. Niles: But look at the spots all over my suit!
Lou: Well throw away the suit and wear the spots
Mrs. Niles: Oh Costello. I've had enough. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages!
Bud: Damages? But Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt??
Mrs. Niles: Did I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazybone
Lou: Put your hat on and no one will notice it!! AHAA!!
Mrs. Niles: Ooooh!! Come Kenneth!
Lou: Hey, come on Abbott, think fast I gotta get out of here before they come back with the cop
Bud: ohh, you can cause more trouble! We were going to the eight-to-the-bar-ranch to ask the Andrews Sisters to appear on our show. And YOU wrecked the car we were going to use! Well, now we'll have to rent a car
Lou: Well, lets get another car! (the boys pick up momentum here and it's fast paced and funny - audience are laughing throughout))
Bud: We'll have to!
Lou: But where can we get one?
Bud: A U drive
Lou: Me drive?
Bud: No...U drive!
Lou: I said I'd drive
Bud: You don't drive it. I drive it
Lou: drive what?
Bud: A U drive
Lou: Why should I drive when you wanna drive?
Bud: I'm going to drive! Look Costello, I'm renting a U drive and I drive it
Lou: Oh then we both drive it
Bud: No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say U drive, I don't mean *you* drive, I mean that I drive although it's a U drive
Lou: When you say U drive, you don't mean me drive?
Bud: no
Lou: you mean 'you drive' because I don't drive
Bud: Now you've got it!
Lou: Now I got it? I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Lou: Now look Abbott. You go to a place and you are going to rent a car?
Bud: Yes
Lou: You are driving a car?
Bud: Yes
Lou: Where am I sitting?
Bud: You are sitting right next to me
Lou: Is there a steering wheel in front of me?
Bud: No!
Lou: And you are positive that I am not driving?
Bud: I'm positive!
Lou: And you are driving the car?
Bud: Yes!
Lou: Alright, what kind of a car you are driving?
Bud: U DRIVE!
Lou: somebody better be driving!
Bud: No no no...look please. I am trying to explain this. We go and rent a car
Lou: right, now where we gonna get it?
Bud: U drive company.
Lou: Now I drive company. (shouts) I thought we were going alone!
Bud: You don't understand!! It's Hertz U drive
Lou: Well, if it hurts, *you* drive
Bud: That is right!
Lou: That's right?? This is getting worse!
Bud: Don't you see? the head of the company's Hertz
Lou: That's to bad, what hurts him?
Bud: Nothing hurts him! Look every company has to have a head (Abbott is laughing now!)
Lou: Naturally!
Bud: Now this company's head's Hertz
Lou: Oh! Why doesn't he take an asprin?
Bud: Listen. It's Hertz U drive - ALL over the country
Lou: Well if it hurts to drive all over the country why should I drive and get hurt?
Bud: You don't get hurt!
Lou: (child whine) - IIII'm not going to get hurt
Bud: You don't get hurt Costello!
Lou: Nobody's gonna hurt meeee!!
Bud: That's right. You're not going to get hurt
Lou: I'm not a fool to get hurt
Bud: You're not going to get hurt. It's the Hertz company!
Lou: (understanding now) Oh the Hertz company!
Lou: (really messes up the routine now!) I still...I still...Look Abbott...I...Am I mixed up!!
Bud: Alright. It's very simple!
Lou: Look Abbott - thank you boy! look Abbott
Bud: alright
Audience has twigged and they are talking over laughter
Bud: Now...
Lou: I don't want to hurt nobody
Bud: Will you listen to me please (Abbott, being the great straight-man displaying his skills here) - the man's name is...
But it's too late, the audience starts applauding and cheers.
Bud: Look, Lou, please...look, take it easy..the man's name is Hertz, he rents cars. U Drive. It's the U drive all over the country
Lou: U drive all over the country? Not with that O. P.A. brother
Bud: What are you talking about?
Lou: That's why I can't go, O.P.A.
Bud: What do you mean O.P.A
Lou: Only a Puny "A" Card!!
Bud: Get outta here!!

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