ALTERNATIVE PANTOMIME:

Wee Jack and the Beanstalk by Doug Brown

Narrator: The scene is set in a garden outside a house with three windows, door and a chimney.  Probably painted by a six year-old.  The sun is yellow with streaking rays and in the blue sky; there are a couple of small white clouds, one of which is essential for the script.  The front garden has a grey path with a traditional wooden fence and gate painted white.  The grass is a very unlikely strong green.  Wee Jack who looks far too pretty for a boy is wearing a red gingham shirt, green bra, blue shorts and yellow tights.  Wee Jack’s Mother McConnell, who has a face that could sell vinegar to a confectioner, badly needs a shave.  She is downstairs at the window wearing a towel on her head, oversized dangly loop earrings and a yellow housecoat with apron.  There is a fag hanging from the lip as she does the washing up in her bright yellow elbow length marigold gloves. Wee Jack is outside on a stool, milking Marigold the cow.

Act One: Scene 1

Curtain rises

Back end of cow: Moooooh! Watch whit yer daein wie yer hauns ya pervert!

FX: Loud rasping sound from front of cow. Praammmmphhhh!

Back end of cow: Aw man that’s raw!

Mother McConnell:  I telt yae tae leave the milkin till ye goat ma fags.

Wee Jack: It’s bad fur yea!  Huv a gless a milk!

FX: Sound of smashing glass.

Mother McConnell: Ah’ll gless a milk yeh!  Noo go an get ma fags or ah’ll kick yer erse.

Front end of cow: Praammmphhhhh!

Back end of cow:  That does is yah shity wee crapper!

FX:  Sound of scuffling as back end of cow kicks shit out of front end then drops one on his face: PRAAMMMMMmmmmmMMMMPHHHHHH!

Front end of cow: That’s boufin’ ahm oot o’ here.

FX: Sound of unzipping followed by feet racing off into the distance

Front End (shouting from the distance): Ah did’ny come here tae get abused.

Back end: Where dae yer normally go?  Big man.

Wee Jack:  Ye’ve upset poor old Buttercup. Look her front end collapsed leavin her backend in the air.

Mother McConnell: Aye an here comes Brutus the bull.  A think he might huv goat the wrang end o’ the stick.  Oh goad a canny look!

FX: Loud crashing, screaming painful sounds fade into the distance.

Mother McConnell:  (Voice becoming more Mother like) Wee Jack, mah wee bairn.  Ah did’ny mean tae be such a nasty mum, but ave been awfy upset since yer faither did a runner wie the Aupair. 

Wee Jack: Aye well, ye canny blame him.  Whit wie him really bein a wuman, an yon aupair bein a fella, anat.

Mother McConnell: Aye an ah fair miss the Aupair, so ah dae.

Wee Jack: No haulf as much as ah dae Maw.

Mother McConnell: Ya dirty wee cross dresser!

Wee Jack: (Fading out) Aye well he hud it in fur me.

Curtain falls

Act One : Scene Two

Curtain rises:

FX and Narrator: Time passing:  Indicated by very loud ticking of a clock.

Marty: (Very polite English voice) Do you hear something ticking, Bertie?

Bertie: (Very dumb sound flat voice) Yup, I thing it might be a bombdo, Marty.

Marty: A bombdo, Bertie? (pause) What’s a Bombdo?

FX: Massive explosion, sound of spring coming loose, followed by a moment of absolute silence

Bertie: That’s what a bomb do, Marty!

Marty: Yes thank you. I must remember that, but listen, Hold my spine while I screw my head back on. I probably have two bad legs now thanks to you.  But, more importantly, With this map of  the Pantomime I think we will be able to follow it.

Bertie: (Rapore) That’s one up on the audience then.  But enough of this milarkey.  Why would we want to follow it?

Marty: Because (pause) my stupid friend.

It will lead us to the goose that lays the golden egg.

FX: Three sharp orchestral notes for dramatic effect. Third doppler phased like a high speed ice cream van passing.

Bertie: Quick! Follow that ice cream van!

Curtain Falls

Act One: Scene Three

Curtain rises:

Narrator: Bertie walking with Marty limping along the road. They are dressed as a pair of tramps.  Marty has a large roll under his arm.

Bertie: That’s a good point. Why are we dressed up as tramps and what’s in your roll cause I’m hungry?

Marty:  Because we ARE tramps you stupid man and this roll happens to be our secret weapon!

Bertie: (Small voice in the distance) Is it ticking?

Marty: No you great idiot!  Our secret weapon is a full-scale map of Pantomime Land.

Bertie: (Dumb sounding reply) Oahh!

Marty: Just help me unroll it.

FX and Narrator: Struggling sounds as two tramps unroll a twenty square mile, full-scale map of Pantomime Land.

Bertie: Why didn’t you get a half scale map and then it would only take us half the time?

Marty: You’re not as daft as I look, quick roll it up again and push it into this washing machine.

Bertie: No thanks. I’d rather roll my own.

Marty: Don’t be such an idiot Bertie! You take one end and I ....

FX and Narrator: Sound of two tramps struggling to roll up and push a twenty square mile, full-scale map of Pantomime Land into a washing machine.

FX: Slapping hands together to indicate job done. Marty slaps Bertie on both sides of the face.

Bertie: OW! That hurt!

Marty: Right Bertie, Now just push a bit further and I will switch on the fast spin programme.

Bertie (Reverberating voice from inside washing machine): I’ve not seen that programme. Who is in it?

Marty: You are! Bertie!

FX: Sound of washing machine door slamming followed by drum accelerating to 1500rpm

Bertie (FX voice rotating at 1500 Rpm):  Heeeeeeeelpp woahowww woahowww gettt meeee wahoooout of heeeere.

Marty (talking to himself as he limps around the washing machine) If I could only lay my hands on magic beans again it would make my job so much easier.

Curtain Falls

Act 2: Scene One

Curtain Rises

Narrator: Meanwhile back at the house, Wee Jack is pumping up the front end of the cow with a foot pump. Mother McConnell is leading Brutus away.  Brutus has a silly smile painted across his face. Incidentally as this is a panto Brutus is really a cow in drag.

Wee Jack: Maw ah could’ny get yer fags cause the wumin that runs the shoap says yer no getting oany mare on the slate.

Mother McConnell: Damn! I just put my last slate out. What will I do without ma fags?

Wee Jack still pumping up the cow: Ye could always give it up instead o’ causin o this global warmin.

Mother McConnell: It’ll be your backside that I’ll be globally warmin in a minute.

(pause) Right that does it! We’ll just huv tea sell the coo.

Wee Jack: Ah’m no sure ye’ll get that much fur it.  What wie it’s back legs walkin oan it’s tiptoes, thanks tae Brutus, an wie the front end havin done a runner!

Mother McConnell: That’s ma final word. Noo take it doon the market and see whit ye can get fur it. There’s a good boy.

FX: Wee Jack stops pumping up the cow and air escapes through a gap in the fabric: Prrraaammmmppphh!

Back end of cow: Ah that’s better.

Wee Jack: C’mon Buttercup.

Curtain Falls

Act Two: Scene Two

Curtain Rises

Narrator: On the road to the market, Buttercup is full of air and her front legs and head are vertically rising in the air like a barrage balloon.  As they walk along the road, they meet a traveller.

Traveller: Are you taking this fine beast to market?

Wee Jack: Looking around behind to see if there are any fine beasts about. Mother McConnell said I huv to sell her cause she’s goat nae money.

Traveller: I will buy this fine animal from you assuming we can agree on a price.

Wee Jack: Mother McConnell said I huve tae get at least three sovereigns.

Traveller: I can do better than that.  I offer you three hundred shares in an oil well, Forty thousand pounds, a villa in France and your own personal castle in Scotland.

FX: Wee Jack thinking out-loud slight echo to his voice: The oil well is probably dry and the villa and castle could be a con, but if he has money it could be useful.

Traveller: What do you think? Do we have a deal?

Wee Jack: Do you have any cash on you?

Traveller: I could check.

Wee Jack: We don’t take cheques.  What else you got?

Traveller: Well I have these magic beans!

Cow: Keep them away from me I’m in a bad enough state.

Wee Jack: Are they truly magic sir?

Traveller: They will make your dreams come true.

Wee Jack: Okay Big man it’s a deal.

Traveller:  Jolly good I need some breading stock for my prize bull. (Shouting) Bruuutus!

Cow:  No, not Brutus!

FX: Unzipping sound followed by six sets of feet running into the distance.

Wee Jack: Nae back backers, ya mug.

FX: Sound two feet running into the distance.

Traveller: (FX voice fading out.) Come back wie ma beans ya we hooligan.

Curtain Falls

Scene Three: Act One

Curtain Rises

Mother McConnell: Yeh did whit?

Wee Jack: Arghh! Let go o’ mah ear! It’ll come aff if yeh pull it any harder,

FX: Blood curdling sound of ear ripping off.

Wee Jack: Arghh! See a telt yeh!

Mother McConnell: Aye, an whit are we supposed tae dae wie three magic beans? Sometimes ah think you live in Cloud cuckoo Land instead o’ Pantomime Land, yah wee scunner.

Wee Jack: Whit? I canny hear yae!

Mother McConnell: Wait an all get mah needle and thread.

FX: Sound of Wee Jack running into the distance.

Mother McConnell: Good riddance (aside) And yeah can take yer beans wie ye!

FX and Narrator: Sound on three beans being tossed into the garden followed by the sound of the door closing.

Curtain Falls

Scene Three: Act Two

Curtain Rises

Marty: Bertie will you stop walking around in circles and try to follow this map.

Bertie: If I ever get around to it; Get it? Get around to it. Ha ha!

Marty: Yes very dry! Bertie.

Bertie: You over did it in that spinner, cause the map is only a few feet square.

Marty: Yes and one of them is yours! But, you never know it might just catch on

Bertie: How can we follow it when it’s so small?

Marty: You are such a fool! We follow it with the point of this tiny stick.

Bertie: But how do you know if your holding the map the right way up.

Marty:  No problem there Bertie. I just have to wait until I see a giant beanstalk on the horizon and that will lead me right to it.

Bertie: (Dumb response) Oahh! Right!

Curtain Falls

Scene Four: Act One

Curtain Rises

Narrator: It is morning and Wee Jack has returned home to find a gigantic beanstalk in the garden that is so big that the top of it has disappeared into the clouds.

Wee Jack: (Talking to himself) God! They beans mustve been potent.  Hey Maw, Come’n see the size o’ this.

Mother McConnell:  Comes out in pink nightie and is shocked by the apparition. Gasp! Mah heart stopped, I thought yer faither wuz back fur a minute then.

Wee Jack:  Naw Maw they’re Magic beans no Viagra seeds!      

Mother McConnell: whit will wie dae wie it son?

Wee Jack: Well I could climb the beanstalk, Maw.

Mother McConnell: Why?

Wee Jack: Blank expression,. Looks at his Mother McConnell then at the audience and pulls a bewildered face.

FX: Ow! That hurt!

Sustained silence… Light dims

Curtain Falls

Scene Four: Act Two

Curtain Rises

Marty: Ah, Bertie there it is, in yonder distance.

Bertie: It just looks like a giant beanstalk to me Marty!

FX: Sound of fumbling with map.

Marty: See we turn the map this way and then we use the point of this compass to show us the way.

Bertie: Owoww! Watch what you’re doing with the point of that set of compasses.

Marty: Silly me wrong type of compass. Face your body North and your back to the South, then vigorously rub your knees together so producing a strong magnetic field. Good work. Keep it up until we get the point of the compasses magnetised.

Bertie: (Out of breath) How do we do that then.  Owww!

Marty: Good now we just have to dangle the compasses on a piece of string and they will point the way.  Lend me that bit of string Bertie.

FX: Sound of Marty pulling the string from Bertie’s trousers and trousers falling down.

Bertie: Ma pants!

Marty Right follow me, Bertie.

Bertie: (Voice fading) But we are going the wrong way Marty.

Curtain Falls

Scene Four: Act Three

Curtain Rises

Narrator: It is the middle of the night and Wee Jack is climbing the beanstalk. As he climbs through the cloud he finds a strange land in the clouds where a giant lives in a castle.

Wee Jack (To himself): Everything here is so large compared to me, that I can get easily through the spaces in the doors and windows, it’s just like bein back at Hollyrood!

Giant: Fee! Fie! Foe, Fum! I smell the blood of a Scotsman. Be he live or be he deed, I’ll fry his bones and boil his heed.

Wee Jack: Ah’ll just hide behind this bottle of ketchup on the kitchen table.

Giant’s Bidyin: Fur god’s sake Wullie! Yea’ve jist hud a five course dinner, away an gae it a break.  Go and fetch some wood or dae summin useful, ya wee waster.

Giant: Snofair. You aye spoil ma fun, so ye dae!

FX: Door slams.

Giant’s Bidyin: An as fur you yah wee blighter get yer erse oot frae behind rat sauce bottle!

Wee Jack (hesitant): Are you two frae Glasgow?

Giant’s Bidyin: Aye ah wuz a ‘First Bus’ driver oan the Maryhill tae Auchenshuggle route an Wullie wuz a bouncer at the Barraland afore he made is fortune. Efter we met we moved to this place. Ah aye wanted ma ain wee castle!

Wee Jack: So how’d he make his fortune?

Giant’s Bidyin: Wan day near Christmas he wuz chauffuer’n fur the big boss and he wuz asked tae collect a goose fae ra butcher.

Wee Jack: Aye! An diddy!

Giant’s Bidyin: Ah wuddny call him a diddy! He’s awright in his own wee way. Oanyway! He collects this goose an it turns oot tae be alive in a cage.  Well! While he’s drivin it back tae the boss it turns roon an talks tae him.

Wee Jack: Whit! The goose talks to Wullie?

Giant’s Bidyin: Aye! An don’t look so puzzled cause aw ra bears in Glesga talk, so whit’s so odd aboot a talking goose?  Oanyway! The goose, ‘Gregory’ as it happens, turns roon an says, “Hey Wullie, Gonnae no turn us in?”  Well! Yeh can imagine the look on Wullie’s face.

Wee Jack: No thanks, but go oan.

Giant’s Bidyin: Oanyway! The goose lays him a golden egg and the rest is history.

Wee Jack: So what’s wie aw this giant milarky an aw rat Fee, Fie Foe, Fum stuff?

Giant’s Bidyin: It aw sterted when we goat here. It’s a magic land. It changes ye!

Wee Jack: So if ye’s went back down wid yis become; an ahm usin the term in it’s widest sense here, would ye become normal again?

Giant’s Bidyin: Aye but we canny get back. It’s a long story.

Wee Jack: Try me!

Giant’s Bidyin: Well we were escapin’ tae the Carribean wie the goose when we met this posh soundin’ guy. He said he knew aboot the goose an the golden eggs, and that in exchange fur an egg he would gae us a handful of magic beans.  He said they’d make oor dreams come true.

Wee Jack: So did ye?

Giant’s Bidyin: Aye and efter we planted the seeds and I climbed up to our magic land and found ma dream castle, he tried to steal the goose and cut down the beanstalk.

Wee Jack: So whit happened?

Giant’s Bidyin: Wullie hudny goan up yet, an wuz stoanin behind the rogue, as he held the goose under wan arm and wuz aboot tae swing an axe wie the other.

Wee Jack: Ah’ll bet the guy was surprised.

Giant’s Bidyin: He wuzny half. He though Wullie wuz up wie me.  Wullie say’s he gave him such a kickin’ he could still be walkin’ wie a limp!

Wee Jack: And what happened tae the beanstalk?

Giant’s Bidyin: Fur safety, cause we did’ny want oanybody comin efter us, Wullie leaned doon fae the tap and yanked it up. But that’s mades me think. How did you get here?

Curtain Falls

Scene Five: Act One

Curtain Rises

Mother McConnell: Where did ye get they gold coins?

Wee Jack: Aff mah big pal Wullie! He says he wants tae settle an old score an we can help.

Mother McConnell: Is he still up that beanstalk? This Wullie guy?

Wee Jack: Aye an if we help him an his Bidyin tae get safely back doon they’ll reward us well.

Mother McConnell: Yer a good boy, yer faither’d be proud o’ you. If only ah knew who he wuz. But whit dae we huv tae dae?

Wee Jack: We jist huv tae find this posh soundin’ block an get him tae climb the beanstalk. By the way.  Here they ur noo. Can Ah introduce yae tae ma two new friends. Wullie and Jinty

Curtain Falls

Scene Five: Act two

Curtain Rises

FX and Narrator: Marty and Bertie knock on the door of  Mrs McConnell’s house wearing clothes stolen from next door’s washing line,.

Marty: Good Morning Mrs McConnell! We represent the Pantomime land Planning Department. Could I see your building permission certificate for this tower.

Mother McConnell: Jack come’n talk tae these men. It’s aboot the beanstalk.

Wee Jack: (Wearing his Labour party tie) Whit?

Marty: I am afraid we have to inspect this tower on behalf of the Planning Authority.  Do you have a building warrant or a planning permission certificate?

Wee Jack: (Looking at the audience and gesturing with his hands) It’s a plant. Surely we don’t need permission tae grow a plant!

Marty: Tell him Bertie!

Bertie: Under sub section four, item three, paragraph six of the Planning Act 1953 it states: Plants must be grown to a regulation size.

Marty: As this beanstalk is outside the regulation size we must inspect it. Right up you go Bertie.

Bertie: What! Me go first. No way!

Wee Jack: Nae bother I’ll go first and you two can follow me.

Curtain Falls

Scene Five: Finale

Curtain Rises

Wee Jack wait’s at the top for the Marty and Bertie and just as soon as they are up, he rushes down as fast as he can.

Wee Jack: Right Wullie chop it doon.

Wullie: Sorry Jinty, but we can aye stert ainither castle fur retired exbouncers and bus drivers oot the east end.

Mother McConnell: Ye don’t huv tae!

Wullie (swinging the axe): Howsat ren?

Mother McConnell: Cos …. Castlemilk’s already there!

FX: Beanstalk crashes to the ground. Muffled voices in distance:

Marty: We’ve been duped, The goose has gone.

Bertie: Aye your goose is cooked! Nice castle though and look… a harp. I always wanted to play a harp.

Marty: Good God Bertie it’s gold!  We’re rich! (voices fade out) Rich! Rich! Beyond out wildest dreams!

Jack: Aye an wan day ah’ll get ma castle back at Hollyrood, jist as soon as ah sort oot ma wee Salmondella problem.

Wendy: No if ah get there first!

Alex: Yer baith too late!

Goose: Mah Piles are playin up again and ouch! Here comes anither golden bloody golden bombshell!

Narrator: And they all lived happily ever efter until Wullie ran off wie Mrs McConnell. Wee Jack ran off wie the Goose.  All’s well that ends well. Wullies ex Bidyin got her castle when she was elected First Minister of Scotland.  Her winnin’  party slogan wuz:  “It’s Scotlands Gold!”