ALLAN:        Hello, I’m Allan MacFallan and I’m here at Monkland’s Accident and  Emergency Unit to find out how they manage to operate at 25%  lower costs than other hospitals.

 F/X:              (LOW) VOICE OF WOMAN SAYING ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . .  ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . . ‘BUGGER OFF’

ALLAN:       With me is Jenny Hardticket who is spokesperson for the hospital. Tell me Jenny how do you manage to run at such low costs?

 F/X:             (LOW) VOICE OF WOMAN SAYING ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . .  ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . . ‘BUGGER OFF’

JENNY:        Through our strict policy of minimum bed occupancy, nominal  staffing and a sanitised sanitation regime we have slashed our costs significantly. In fact our cost levels make a mockery of the plans to close this vital facility.  

F/X:               (LOW) VOICE OF WOMAN SAYING ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . .  ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . . ‘BUGGER OFF’

ALLAN:        Jenny, I notice that everyone turning up at reception is being told to . . . well to . . . ‘bugger off’. What’s going on?

F/X:                 (LOW) VOICE OF WOMAN SAYING ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . .  ‘BUGGER OFF’ . . . ‘BUGGER OFF’

JENNY:          Well you don’t expect us to allow mere patients to ruin our plans to stay open, do you? If we let them just turn up whenever they want and get treatment we would never be able to meet our targets. (PAUSE)

(LOUDLY) Hey you! Yes you with the axe in your head! Get out off here and stop annoying my nurses will you . . .