| |
A seashore. Some way out to sea a ragged man is struggling his
way to shore. Slowly and with difficulty he makes his way up onto the
beach, flops down exhausted and announces: |
| It's Man |
It's... |
| Voice Over |
Monty Python's Flying Circus.
|
| |
Titles beginning with words "Monty Python's Flying Circus".
Various bizarre things happen. When titles end:
Ordinary grey-suited announcer standing by desk. He smiles confidently.
|
| Announcer |
Good evening. |
| |
The announcer confidently moves to chair and sits down. There is
a squeal as of a pig being sat upon.
Cut to a blackboard with several lines of pigs drawn on it in colour. A
man steps into view and with a piece of chalk crosses out one of the
pigs
CAPTION: 'IT'S WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART'
Mozart sitting at piano tinkling with the keys. He finishes
tinkling. |
| Mozart |
Hello again, and welcome to the show.
Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with
the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away
Genghis. |
| |
Cut to Genghis Khan's tent. Genghis strides about purposefully.
Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts out and Genghis
Khan with a squawk throws himself in the air and lands on his back. This
happens very suddenly. Judges hold up cards with points on, in the
manner of ice skating judges. |
| Voice Over |
9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.
|
| |
Mozart still at piano. |
| Mozart |
Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And
now here are the scores. |
| |
Scoreboard with Eddie Waring figure standing by it. The
scoreboard looks a little like this:
| St Stephan |
29.9 |
| Richard III |
29.3 |
| Jean D'arc |
29.1 |
| Marat |
29.0 |
| A. Lincoln (U.S of A) |
28.2 |
| G. Khan |
28.1 |
| King Edward VII |
3.1 |
|
| Eddie |
Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in
the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at
Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean d'Arc,
then Marat in his bath - best of friends with Charlotte in the showers
afterwards - then A. Lincoln of the U.S of A, a grand little chap that,
and number six Genghis Khan, and the back marker King Edward the
Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang. |
| |
Mozart still at piano. |
| Mozart |
Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's
request death. (taking card off piano) For Mr and Mrs Violet
Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull, the death of Mr Bruce Foster of
Guildford. |
| |
Cut to a lounge setting. Mr Foster sitting in chair.
|
| Foster |
Strewth! (he dies) |
| |
Mozart still there. He looks at watch.
|
| Mozart |
Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the
end of yet another programme and so it is finale time. We are proud to
be bringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the
wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson. |
| |
Cut to a modern office block, as high as possible. After a pause
a body flies out of the top window looking as much like Nelson as
possible. As it plummets there is a strangled scream. |
| Nelson |
Kiss me Hardy! |
| |
The body hits the ground. There is the loud noise of a pig
squealing.
Cut to a night school Teacher looking down out of classroom
window. He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn on
near end. He crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end which
has written on it 'evening classes 7-8 p.m.'. He writes 'Italian' below
this and turns to camera. |
| Teacher |
Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the
second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you
brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we
learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can
remember what it was? |
| |
Shout of 'Si! Si! Si!' from the class whom we see are all
Italians.
|
| Teacher |
Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!
|
| Giuseppe |
Il cucchiaio. |
| Teacher |
Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say:
'Molto bene, Giuseppe'. |
| Giuseppe |
Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua
gentilezza. |
| Teacher |
Well, now, this week we're going to learn some
useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first
of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I would say: 'Sono
Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross.
Shall we all try that together? |
| All |
Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross. |
| Teacher |
Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else.
Er... Mr... ? |
| Mariolini |
Mariolini. |
| Teacher |
Ah, Mr Mariolini, and where are you from?
|
| Mariolini |
Napoli, signor. |
| Teacher |
Ah ... you're an Italian. |
| Mariolini |
Si, si signor! |
| Teacher |
Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano di
Napoli'. |
| Mariolini |
Ah, capisco, mile grazie signor... |
| Francesco |
Per favore, signor! |
| Teacher |
Yes? |
| Francesco |
Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono
Italiano di Napoli quando il habitare de Milano. |
| Teacher |
I'm sorry ... I don't understand! |
| Giuseppe |
(pointing to Francesco) My friend say 'Why
must he say...' |
| |
Hand goes up at back of room and a Lederhosen Teutonic figure
stands up. |
| German |
Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?
|
| Teacher |
Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.
|
| German |
Oh ja! Danke schön. (he starts to leave) Ah
das deutsche Klassenzimmer... Ach! (he leaves) |
| Giuseppe |
My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian
from Napoli when he lives in Milan?' |
| Teacher |
Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives in
Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...' |
| Francesco |
(agitatedly, leaping to his feet) Eeeeeee!
Milano è tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più bella di tutti
... nel mondo... |
| Giuseppe |
He say 'Milan is better than Napoli'.
|
| Teacher |
Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done
comparatives yet. |
| |
In the background everyone has started talking in agitated
Italian. At this point a genuine mandolin-playing Italian secreted
amongst the cast strikes up: 'Quando Caliente Del Sol...' or similar.
The class is out of control by this time. The teacher helplessly tries
to control then but eventually gives up and retreats to his desk and
sits down. There is a loud pig squeal and he leaps up. |
| |
ANIMATION:The Blackboard with the coloured pigs drawn on it, is
reproduced on the first few frames of the animation film. A real hand
comes into the picture and crosses off a third pig. Thereafter action
follows the dictates of Señor Gilliam's wonderfully visual mind.
At the end of this animation we have an advertisement for
Whizzo butter. |
| Voice Over |
(on animation) Yes, mothers, new improved
Whizzo butter containing 10% more or less is absolutely
indistinguishable from a dead crab. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go
to HEAVEN! |
| |
Cut to a group middle-aged lower-middle-class women (hereinafter
referred to as 'Pepperpots') being interviewed. |
| First Pepperpot |
I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter
and this dead crab. |
| Interviewer |
Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten
British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a
dead crab. |
| Pepperpots |
It's true, we can't. No. |
| Second Pepperpot |
Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
|
| Interviewer |
(modestly) Yes, yes. |
| Second Pepperpot |
He does the thing with one of those silly women who
can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab. |
| Third Pepperpot |
You try that around here, young man, and we'll
slit your face. |
| |
CAPTION: 'IT'S THE ARTS'
|
| |
Linkman sitting at desk |
| Linkman |
Good evening and welcome to another edition of
'It's the Arts'. And we kick off this evening with the cinema.
|
| |
Cut to second interviewer an Ross.
|
| Second Interviewer |
Good evening. One of the most prolific film
directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in
his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of
his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are very fortunate to
have him with us in this studio this evening. |
| Ross |
Good evening. |
| Second Interviewer |
Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?
|
| Ross |
No, not at all. |
| Second Interviewer |
Only it does worry some people - I don't know
why...but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking
on these occasions. |
| Ross |
No, no, no that's fine. |
| Second Interviewer |
So Edward's all right. Splendid. Splendid. I'm sorry
to have brought it up, only eh... |
| Ross |
No, no, please. Edward it is. |
| Second Interviewer |
Well thank you very much for being so helpful...only
it's more than my job's worth to...er... |
| Ross |
Quite, yes. |
| Second Interviewer |
Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport ...
to put the other person at his ease... |
| Ross |
Quite. |
| Second Interviewer |
Yes, silly little point but it does seem to matter.
Still - less said the better. Uh...Ted...when you first started in...you
don't mind if I call you Ted? |
| Ross |
No, no, no everyone calls me Ted. |
| Second Interviewer |
Well it's shorter, isn't it. |
| Ross |
Yes it is. |
| Second Interviewer |
Yes, and much less formal! |
| Ross |
Yes, Ted, Edward, anything! |
| Second Interviewer |
Splendid, splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom, I
don't want you playing around with any of this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha
ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie-baby, when you first started in
the... |
| Ross |
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being
called 'Eddie-baby'. |
| Second Interviewer |
I'm sorry? |
| Ross |
I don't like being called 'Eddie-baby'.
|
| Second Interviewer |
Did I call you 'Eddie-baby'? |
| Ross |
Yes, you did! Now get on with it. |
| Second Interviewer |
I don't think I did call you Eddie-baby.
|
| Ross |
You did call me Eddie-baby. |
| Second Interviewer |
(looking off-screen) Did I call him
Eddie-baby? |
| Voices |
Yes. No. Yes. |
| Second Interviewer |
I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did I, sweetie?
|
| Ross |
Don't call me sweetie!! |
| Second Interviewer |
Can I call you sugar plum? |
| Ross |
No! |
| Second Interviewer |
Pussy cat? |
| Ross |
No. |
| Second Interviewer |
Angel-drawers? |
| Ross |
No you may not! Now get on with it! |
| Second Interviewer |
Can I call you 'Frank'? |
| Ross |
Why Frank? |
| Second Interviewer |
It's a nice name. Robin Day's got a hedgehog called
Frank. |
| Ross |
What is going on? |
| Second Interviewer |
Frannie, little Frannie, Frannie Knickers...
|
| Ross |
(Getting up) No. I'm leaving. I'm leaving.
I'm off... |
| Second Interviewer |
Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
|
| Ross |
(Off-screen) What? |
| Second Interviewer |
Tell us about your latest film, if you'd be so very
kind, Sir Edward. |
| Ross |
None of this 'pussy cat' nonsense? |
| Second Interviewer |
Promise. (Pats seat) Please, Sir Edward.
|
| Ross |
My latest film? |
| Second Interviewer |
Yes, Sir Edward. |
| Ross |
Well the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I
had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I
was only the tea boy. |
| Second Interviewer |
Oh, shut up. |
| |
Cut to linkman, as before |
| Linkman |
Sir Edward...Ross. Now, later in the programme we
will be bringing you a unique event in the world of modern art. Pablo
Picasso will be doing a special painting for us, on this programme,
live, on a bicycle. But right now it's time to look at a man whose
meteoric rise to fame... |
| |
A pig squeals. Interviewer leaps up, grabs a revolver from his
desk drawer and fires off-screen.
CAPTION: 'PIGS 3, NELSON 1'
Third Interviewer and Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson.
Musical score blow-up behind. |
| |
|
| Third Interviewer |
Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first
performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern
composers, Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson. |
| Jackson |
Good evening. |
| Third Interviewer |
May I just sidetrack for one moment. Mr. Jackson,
this, what shall I call it, nickname of yours. |
| Jackson |
Ah yes. |
| Third Interviewer |
'Two sheds'. How did you come by it? |
| Jackson |
Well, I don't use it myself, it's just a few of my
friends call me 'Two Sheds'. |
| Third Interviewer |
I see, and do you in fact have two sheds?
|
| Jackson |
No. No, I've only one shed. I've had one for some
time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another one,
and since then some people have called me 'Two Sheds'. |
| Third Interviewer |
In spite of the fact that you only have one.
|
| Jackson |
Yes. |
| Third Interviewer |
I see, and are you thinking of purchasing a second
shed? |
| Jackson |
No! |
| Third Interviewer |
To bring you in line with your epithet? |
| Jackson |
No. |
| Third Interviewer |
I see, I see. Well let's return to your symphony.
Ah, now then, did you write this symphony...in the shed?
|
| Jackson |
No! |
| Third Interviewer |
Have you written any of your recent works in this
shed of yours? |
| Jackson |
No it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.
|
| |
A picture of a shed appears on the screen behind them.
|
| Third Interviewer |
I see. And you're thinking of buying this second
shed to write in. |
| Jackson |
No, no. Look. This shed business, it doesn't
really matter at all, the sheds aren't important. It's just a few
friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd
ask me about my music. I'm a composer. People always ask me about the
sheds, they've got it out of proportion, I'm fed up with the shed, I
wish I'd never got it in the first place. |
| Third Interviewer |
I expect you are probably thinking of selling one.
|
| Jackson |
I will sell one. |
| Third Interviewer |
Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson?
|
| Jackson |
Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
|
| Third Interviewer |
Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to talk
about your symphony. |
| Jackson |
What? |
| Third Interviewer |
Apparently your symphony was written for organ and
tympani. |
| Jackson |
(catches sight of the picture of the shed
behind hin) What's that? |
| Third Interviewer |
What's what? |
| Jackson |
It's a shed. Get it off. |
| |
He points to BP screen shed. The picture of the shed disappears
and is replaced by a picture of Jackson. Jackson looks at it carefully.
|
| Jackson |
Right. |
| Third Interviewer |
Now then Mr. Jackson...your symphony. |
| |
CAPTION: 'ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS" JACKSON'
Cut back to studio: the picture of him is replaced by a picture of
two sheds, one with a question mark over it. |
| Third Interviewer |
I understand that you used to be interested in
train-spotting. |
| Jackson |
What? |
| Third Interviewer |
I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were
extremely interested in train-spotting. |
| Jackson |
What's that got to do with my bloody music?
|
| |
Enter Second Interviewer from Edward Ross sketch (John)
|
| Second Interviewer |
Are you having any trouble from him? |
| Third Interviewer |
Yes, a little. |
| Second Interviewer |
Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match
for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'. |
| Third Interviewer |
Yes, make yourself scarce, 'Two Sheds'. This studio
isn't big enough for the three of us! |
| |
They push him away and propel him out.
|
| Jackson |
What are you doing? (he is pushed out of vision
with a crash) |
| Second Interviewer |
Get your own Arts programme, you fairy! |
| Third Interviewer |
(to camera) Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson.
|
| |
Cut to linkman. He is about to speak when:
|
| Third Interviewer |
(off-screen) Never mind, Timmy. |
| Second Interviewer |
(off-screen) Oh, Michael, you are such a
comfort. |
| Linkman |
Arthur 'Two Sheds'... |
| |
Cut to a man in Viking helmet at desk.
|
| Viking |
...Jackson. |
| |
Cut back to linkman. |
| Linkman |
And now for more news of the
momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially
commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso -
the founder of modern art - without doubt the greatest abstract painter
ever... for the first time painting in motion. But first of all let's
have a look at the route he'll be taking. |
| |
Cut to Raymond Baxter type standing in front of map. A small
cardboard cut-out of Picasso's face is on map and is moved around to
illustrate route.
|
| Baxter |
Well Picasso will be starting, David, at
Chichester here, he'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell, he'll then
take the A272 which will bring him on to the A3 just north of Hindhead
here. From then on Pablo has a straight run on the A3 until he meets the
South Circular at Battersea here. Well, this is a truly remarkable
occasion as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature
has taken the A272, and it'll be very interesting to see how he copes
with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky. |
| |
Cut to Vicky, holding a bicycle. |
| Vicky |
Well Picasso will be riding his Viking Super
Roadster with the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel-rims and
with his Wiley-Prat 20-1 synchro-mesh he should experience difficulties
on the sort of road surfaces they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.
|
| |
Cut to linkman at desk with Viking on one side and a knight in
armour on the other. |
| Linkman |
And now for the latest report on Picasso's
progress over to Reg Moss on the Guildford by-pass. |
| |
Reg Moss standing with hand mike by fairly busy road.
|
| Reg Moss |
Well there's no sign of Picasso at the moment,
David. But he should be through here at any moment. However I do have
with me Mr Ron Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's
winner of the Derby-Doncaster rally. |
| |
Geppo is in full cyclist's kit. |
| Geppo |
Well Reg, I think Pablo should be all right
provided he doesn't attempt anything on the monumental scale of some of
his earlier paintings, like Guernica or Mademoiselles d'Avignon or even
his later War and Peace murals for the Temple of Peace chapel at
Vallauris, because with this strong head wind I don't think even Doug
Timpson of Manchester Harriers could paint anything on that kind of
scale. |
| Reg Moss |
Well, thank you Ron. Well, there still seems to be
no sign of Picasso, so I'll hand you back to the studio. |
| Linkman |
Well, we've just heard that Picasso is
approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at
Tolworth. |
| |
Cut to Sam Trench at roadside. |
| Trench |
Well something certainly is happening here at
Tolworth roundabout, David. I can now see Picasso, he's cycling down
very hard towards the roundabout, he's about 75-50 yards away and I can
now see his painting... it's an abstract... I can see some blue some
purple and some little black oval shapes... I think I can see...
|
| |
A Pepperpot comes up and nudges him.
|
| Pepperpot |
That's not Picasso - that's Kandinsky.
|
| Trench |
(excited) Good lord, you're right. It's
Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky, and who's this here with him? It's Braque.
Georges Braque, the Cubist, painting a bird in flight over a cornfield
and going very fast down the hill towards Kingston and... (cylists
pass in front of him) Piet Mondrian - just behind, Piet Mondrian the
Neo-Plasticist, and then a gap, then the main bunch, here they come,
Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock and
Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside here, Brancusi's going with
him, so is Gericault, Ferdinand Leger, Delaunay, De Kooning, Kokoschka's
dropping back here by the look of it, and so's Paul Klee dropping back a
bit and, right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters..
|
| Pepperpot |
He's German! |
| Trench |
But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and
so from Tolworth roundabout back to the studio. |
| |
Toulouse-Lautrec pedals past on a child's tricycle.
Cut back to studio. |
| Linkman |
Well I think I can help you there Sam, we're
getting reports in from the AA that Picasso, Picasso has fallen
off...he's fallen off his bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst,
trying to get a short cut through to Dorking via Gomslake and Peashall.
Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight
headache. And on that note we must say goodnight to you. Picasso has
failed in his first bid for international cycling fame. So from all of
us here at the 'It's the Arts' studio, it's goodnight. Goodnight.
(pigs head appears over edge of desk; linkman gently pushes it back)
|
| |
ANIMATION: Cartoon sequence of animated Victorian photos, at the
end of which a large pig descends, fatally, on a portrait of a man.
Cut to wartime planning room. Two officers are pushing model pigs across
the map. A private enters and salutes. |
| Private |
Dobson's bought it, sir. |
| Officer |
Porker, eh? Swine. |
| |
Cut to a suburban house in a rather drab street. Zoom
into upstairs window. Seriuos documentary music. Interior of a small
room. A bent figure (Michael) huddles over a table, writing. He is
surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he
writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.
|
| Voice Over |
This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In
a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world...
and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing. |
| |
Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a
smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to
uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels
across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and
dies on the floor.
|
| Voice Over |
It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one
could read it and live ... |
| |
The scribbler's mother (Eric) enters. She sees him dead, she
gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly
she notices the piece of paper in his hand and (thinking it is a suicide
note - for he has not been doing well for the last thirteen years) picks
it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into
hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead
without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front
of the house. |
| Commentator |
(reverentially) This morning, shortly after
eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden
...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland
Yard's crack inspector is with me now. |
| Inspector |
I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the
joke. |
| |
At this point an upstairs window in the house is flung open and a
doctor, with stetoscope, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter,
and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector
look up briefly and sadly, and then continue as if they are used to such
sights this morning.
|
| Inspector |
I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music,
played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the
men of Q Division ... (he indicates a little knot of dour-looking
policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should
protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. |
| |
He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and
chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector
squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.
|
| Commentator |
There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive
or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and
gallant acts in police history. |
| |
The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with
laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies.
Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads. |
| Voice Over |
It was not long before the Army became interested in
the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke
was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.
|
| |
Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as
dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door:
'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for
him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series
of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside
does not move a muscle.
Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see
moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out. |
| Voice Over |
Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain
confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty
yards.
|
| |
Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Zoom through slit to
distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He
is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and
miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers
are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a
cloth.
Cut in to corporal's face - registening complete lack of comprehension
as well as stupidity. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers
reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its
meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.
|
| Generals |
Fantastic. |
| |
Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.
|
| Colonel |
All through the winter of '43 we had translators
working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version
of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of
them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But
apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by
January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the
Germans could. |
| |
Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are
crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them. |
| Voice Over |
So, on July 8th, 1944, the joke was first told to
the enemy in the Ardennes... |
| Commanding NCO |
Tell the ... joke. |
| Joke Brigade |
(together) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! |
| |
Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come
to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then
a group of Germans rear up in hysterics. |
| Voice Over |
It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand
times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ... |
| |
Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time'
bit of paper. |
| Voice Over |
...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
|
| |
Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL' |
| Voice Over |
In action it was deadly. |
| |
Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest.
Suddenly one of them (a member of the joke squad) sees something and
gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree
he reads out joke. |
| Joke Corporal |
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ..
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! |
| |
Sniper falls laughing out of tree.
|
| Joke Brigade |
(charging) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. |
| |
They chant the joke. Germans are put to flight laughing, some
dropping to ground. |
| Voice Over |
The German casualties were appalling. |
| |
Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still
laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke brigade has a
light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him;
another (clearly labelled 'A Gestapo Officer') stands behind him.
|
| Nazi |
Vott is the big joke? |
| Officer |
I can only give you name, rank, and why did the
chicken cross the road? |
| Nazi |
That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know
the joke. |
| Officer |
All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
|
| Nazi |
(momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do
you make a Nazi cross? |
| Officer |
Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in
pain) |
| Nazi |
Gott in Himmel! That's not funny! (mimes cuffing
him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effct)
Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
|
| Officer |
I can stand physical pain, you know. |
| Nazi |
Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto. |
| |
Otto (Graham) starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.
|
| Officer |
Oh no - anything but that please no, all right
I'll tell you. |
| |
They stop. |
| Nazi |
Quick Otto. The typewriter. |
| |
Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The
officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.
|
| Officer |
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. |
| |
Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.
|
| Nazi |
Ach! Zat iss not funny! |
| |
Bursts into laughter and dies. A guard (Terry G) bursts in with
machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table. |
| Officer |
(lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstruck
git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt
gersput. |
| |
The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer
makes his escape.
Cut to stock film of German scientists working in laboratories.
|
| Voice Over |
But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans
were working on a joke of their own. |
| |
Cut to interior. A German general (Terry J) is seated at an
imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo
Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He
clean his throat and reads from card. |
| German Joker |
Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und
der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der
Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'. |
| |
He finishes and looks hopeful. |
| Otto |
We let you know.
|
| |
He shoots him.
More stock film of German scientists. |
| Voice Over |
But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler
gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.
|
| |
Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening
to it. |
| Radio |
(crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der
strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho. |
| |
Radio bursts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at
each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.
Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.
|
| Commentator |
In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke.
Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention,
and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in
the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again. |
| |
He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the
unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.
Patriotic music reaches cresendo.
Cut to football referee who blows whistle. Silence. Blank screen.
CAPTION: 'THE END'
The seashore again, with the 'It's' man lying on the beach. A stick
from off-screen prods him. Exhausted, he rises and staggers back into
the sea.
CAPTION: '"WHITHER CANADA" WAS CONCIEVED WRITTEN AND PERFORMED
BY...(CREDITS) |
| Announcer |
And here is the final score: Pigs 9 - British
Bipeds 4. The Pigs go on to meet Vicki Carr in the final. |
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