Pirates of the Caribbean script online dead man's chest


Humorous Scripts: Pirates of the Caribbean	Authors: Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
Pirates of the Caribbean - DEAD MAN'S CHEST [view looking straight down at rolling swells, sound of wind and thunder, then a low heartbeat] PORT ROYAL [teacups on a table in the rain] [sheet music on music stands in the rain] [bouquet of white orchids, Elizabeth sitting in the rain holding the bouquet] [men rowing, men on horseback, to the sound of thunder] [EITC logo on flag blowing in the wind] [many rowboats are entering the harbor] [Elizabeth sitting alone, at a distance] [marines running, kick a door in] [a mule is seen on the left in the barn where the marines enter] [Liz looking over her shoulder] [Elizabeth drops her bouquet] [Will is in manacles, being escorted by red coats] ELIZABETH SWANN Will...! [Elizabeth runs to Will] ELIZABETH SWANN Why is this happening? WILL TURNER I don't know. You look beautiful. ELIZABETH SWANN I think it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. [marines cross their long axes to bar Governor from entering] [Beckett, in white hair and curls, is standing with Mercer] LORD CUTLER BECKETT Governor Weatherby Swann, it's been too long. LORD CUTLER BECKETT His Lord now... actually. LORD CUTLER BECKETT In fact, I do. Mister Mercer! The warrant for the arrest of one William Turner. LORD CUTLER BECKETT Oh, is it? That's annoying. My mistake. Arrest her. ELIZABETH SWANN On what charges? WILL TURNER No! [Beckett takes another document from Mercer, who is standing with Beckett, craggy face and pony tail] LORD CUTLER BECKETT Ah-ha! Here's the one for William Turner. And I have another one for a Mister James Norrington. Is he present? ELIZABETH SWANN What are the charges? LORD CUTLER BECKETT I don't believe that's the answer to the question I asked. WILL TURNER Lord Beckett! In the category of questions not answered... ELIZABETH SWANN We are under the jurisdiction of the King's governor of Port Royal, and you will tell us what we are charged with. LORD CUTLER BECKETT For which the punishment, regrettably, is also death. Perhaps you remember a certain pirate named Jack Sparrow. ELIZABETH SWANN Captain Jack Sparrow. LORD CUTLER BECKETT Captain Jack Sparrow. Yes, I thought you might. BLACK PEARL [views of rigging ropes and blocks aboard a ship at night] [Gibbs walks the deck alone at night, singing and drinking from a bottle] GIBBS Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil had done for the rest. Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [a bell tolls, Gibbs is interrupted from his drinking by the sound] [Gibbs looks up to see a flock of crows flying in the foggy night sky] TURKISH PRISON [tolling of bells, camera pans to show the crows flying toward a coastal island] [pinnacle-like island off the coast at night, connected to the mainland by thin, lighted bridge] [cages with men inside line the bridge] [prisoners are being marched across the bridge] [a male prisoner with bloody legs is muttering, and is dragged across the bridge by guards] [a crow is seen reflected in the eye of one male prisoner in a cage, the crow attacks and pecks his eye out, he screams] [the prisoner who was being dragged is taken down a hatch-like door in the ground, he also screams] [rocky shoreline, lit with torches] [men toss caskets into the sea] [numerous caskets are floating out to sea, vertical streaks in the distant clouds are seen] [a crow lands on one casket, begins pecking at the top] [sudden gunblast from inside the casket blows the crow away, along with much wood] [hand holding flintlock pistol emerges, pans about, points it at audience for a moment] [Jack breaks out of the top of the casket, puts his captain's hat on] JACK SPARROW Sorry, mate. [Jack breaks the skeleton's leg off] JACK SPARROW Mind if we make a little side trip? I didn't think so. [Jack uses the skeleton leg as an oar, rows toward the full moon and a waiting ship in the distance to the right of the moon] BLACK PEARL [Jack arrives at the Black Pearl in his coffin rowboat] [Gibbs holds out his hand to help Jack aboard, Jack puts the skeleton leg in Gibbs' hand] [Cotton drapes a coat onto Jack's back] GIBBS Not quite according to plan. JACK SPARROW Complications arose, ensued, were overcome. GIBBS You got what you went in for, then? JACK SPARROW Mm-hmm! GIBBS Captain, I think the crew, meaning me as well, were expecting something a bit more... shiny. What with the Isla de Muerta going all pear shaped, reclaimed by the sea, and the treasure with it. LEECH And the Royal Navy chasing us all around the Atlantic. MARTY And the hurricane! Aye. CREW Aye. Aye. GIBBS All in all, it's seems some time since we did a speck of honest pirating. JACK SPARROW Shiny? GIBBS Aye, shiny. JACK SPARROW Is that how you're all feeling, then? Perhaps dear old Jack is not serving your best interests as captain? COTTON'S PARROT Awk! Walk the plank! [Jack grabs his pistol and points it at the bird] JACK SPARROW What did the bird say? LEECH Do not blame the bird. Show us what is on that piece of cloth there. [the monkey snarls, seizes the cloth, scampers off with it] JACK SPARROW Ohhh! [Jack attempts to shoot the monkey with his pistol, his pistol misfires] [Jack grabs a pistol from another crewman and blasts the monkey while it's on the deck] [the monkey drops the cloth, but is unharmed, and scurries into the rigging] GIBBS Know that don't do no good. JACK SPARROW It does me. [Marty picks up the cloth that the monkey dropped] MARTY It's a key! JACK SPARROW No! Much more better. It is a drawing of a key. [Jack holds up the cloth, the crew crowd forward] [Among the crew: Chinese man, black man with a black beard, white bearded man with large black hat] JACK SPARROW Gentlemen, what do keys do? LEECH Keys... unlock... things? GIBBS And whatever this key unlocks, inside there's something valuable. So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks! JACK SPARROW No! If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it? GIBBS So - We're going after this key! JACK SPARROW You're not making any sense at all. Any more questions? MARTY So... Do we have a heading? JACK SPARROW Hah! A heading. Set sail in a... mmm... a general... in that way - direction. GIBBS Cap'n? JACK SPARROW Come on, snap to and make sail, you know how this works. Come on, ?oy/?quick, ?oy/?quick, hey! [Marty and Gibbs gather alone by the railing] MARTY Have you noticed lately... The captain seems to be actin' a bit strange... -er. GIBBS Settin' sail without knowing his own headin'? Somethin's got Jack vexed. Mark my words, what bodes ill for Jack Sparrow bodes ill for us all. [the Black Pearl is shown at night in a thunderstorm] PORT ROYAL: EITC HEADQUARTERS [a painter is painting a detail on a mural of a world map] [a guard brings Will in manacles into Beckett's office] GUARD Lord Beckett. The prisoner as ordered, Sir. LORD CUTLER BECKETT Those won't be necessary. [Will's manacles are removed] [Beckett pours some liquor] LORD CUTLER BECKETT The East India Trading Company has need of your services. We wish for you to act as our agent in a business transaction with our mutual friend: Captain Sparrow. WILL TURNER More acquaintance than friend. How do you know him? LORD CUTLER BECKETT We've had dealings in the past. And we've each left our mark... on the other. WILL TURNER What mark did he leave on you? LORD CUTLER BECKETT By your efforts Jack Sparrow was set free. I would like you to go to him, and recover a certain property in his possession. WILL TURNER Recover. At the point of a sword? LORD CUTLER BECKETT Bargain! [Beckett goes over to a wooden box on a table and opens it] LORD CUTLER BECKETT Letters of Marque. You will offer what amounts to a full pardon. Jack will be free, a privateer in the employ of England. WILL TURNER Somehow I doubt Jack will consider employment the same as being free. LORD CUTLER BECKETT Freedom. Jack Sparrow is a dying breed. The world is shrinking, the blank pages of the map filled in. Jack must find his place in the new world or perish. Not unlike you, Mister Turner. You and your fianc�e face the hangman's noose. WILL TURNER So you get both Jack and the Black Pearl. LORD CUTLER BECKETT The Black Pearl? WILL TURNER The property you want that he possesses. LORD CUTLER BECKETT A ship? Hardly. The item in question's considerably smaller and far more valuable. Something Sparrow keeps on his person at all times. A compass. Ah, you know it. Bring back that Compass, or there's no deal. BLACK PEARL [Jack is using calipers on a map, using his left hand, a "P" brand mark is seen on his right arm] [an hourglass is in the background, Jack taps the Compass] [Jack looks in his bottle, turns the bottle upside-down, only a few drops spill out] JACK SPARROW Why is the rum always gone? [Jack rises to his feet, staggers] [Jack picks up his hat off the top of a globe] JACK SPARROW Oh! That's why. [Jack walks past the crew sleeping on hammocks, Jack is carrying a lantern] [some of the crew are snoring, and Cotton is among those sleeping] JACK SPARROW As you were, gents. [Jack goes downstairs to the hold, an animal bleats, Jack unlocks the door, goes in] [Jack sees eerie filter feeder creatures festooning a beam of wood] [Jack spots a rack of bottles, with the bottles stored sideways like in a wine rack] JACK SPARROW Ah! [Jack pulls a sideways bottle from the rack] [Jack pours sand out of the bottle] [Jack drops bottle of rum in fright, the bottle breaks on the floor] [Jack walks over to see who spoke] JACK SPARROW Bootstrap. Bill Turner. [Bootstrap looks up from where he's sitting on a barrel, crabs scuttle across his face] JACK SPARROW Is this a dream? JACK SPARROW I thought not. If it were, there'd be rum. [Bootstrap immediately hands Jack a bottle of rum] [Jack pries the bottle from Bootstrap's hand with a crackling sound] JACK SPARROW I had some help retrieving the Pearl, by the way. [Jack tinks the lip of the bottle with his fingers, then blows across the top of the bottle] JACK SPARROW Your son. [Jack takes a drink from the bottle] JACK SPARROW And to what do I owe the pleasure of your carbuncle? JACK SPARROW Who? JACK SPARROW Ah. So it's you, then. He shanghaied you into service, eh? [a small hermit crab scuttles by Bootstrap, on top of the barrel where Bootstrap sits] [Bootstrap grabs the hermit crab, pops it into his mouth, and crunches on it] [Jack moves his mouth, jaw, and tongue around in revulsion while watching] [Jack hands the bottle back to Bootstrap] JACK SPARROW It's funny what a man will do to forestall his final judgment - [Jack starts to walk off, but Bootstrap stands up at the same time and intercepts Jack, blocking him] JACK SPARROW Technic - JACK SPARROW Yes, but the Flying Dutchman already has a captain, so there's re - JACK SPARROW Any idea when Jones might release said terrible beastie? [Jack looks at the palm of his left hand, where a black spot boils into view] [Jack looks up, but Bootstrap has disappeared] BLACK PEARL: ON DECK [Jack runs across a wooden deck that has a shallow covering of water] JACK SPARROW On deck all hands! Make fast the bunt gasket! On deck! Scurry! ?Scurry-on/?Marty, I want movement! JACK SPARROW I want movement! GIBBS Lift the skin up! JACK SPARROW All on deck! Run! And keep running! Run as if the devil himself and itself is upon us! GIBBS Do we have a heading? JACK SPARROW Ah! Ooh! Run! Land. [Jack rises from where he was ducked behind the base of the mast, sees Gibbs again] JACK SPARROW Oh! Euh! GIBBS Which port? JACK SPARROW Didn't say port. I said land. Any land. [the monkey in skeleton form swings down, grabs Jack's hat] JACK SPARROW Agh! [the monkey snarls at Jack, Jack snarls back at the monkey, in imitation] [the monkey throws Jack's hat overboard GIBBS Jack's hat! Bring 'er about! JACK SPARROW No no! Leave it! Run! GIBBS Back to your stations! The lot o' ya! [Jack stands stiffly in the shadows under some steps, between two lighted windows] [Gibbs walks up to Jack] GIBBS Jack? JACK SPARROW Shhh! GIBBS For the love of mother and child, Jack, what's coming after us? JACK SPARROW Nothing. small fishing vessel [Jack's hat floats toward a small fishing vessel around sunrise] [a Turkish crewmember pulls Jack's hat out of the water with a hook] [the first sailor tries the hat on, jokingly pretending to be a captain] TURKISH FISHERMAN Heh-heh-heh.?tupayHey! ?Fo ?pes ?sa ?kapazun kapitan ?de ?la ?mezande, huh? GREEK FISHERMAN ?Etora. ?Fetsoran ?ipitos. ?Ferinte. arrive, huh? [the Greek sailor takes the hat, tries it on next] GREEK FISHERMAN Ah! ?Vangas ?da ?eroro ### [a large object is seeing moving underwater toward their vessel, creating a disturbance on the ocean surface as it moves] kapitan ### ### [a loud thumping sound occurs, the two sailors freeze in fright] [a third sailor sleeps on deck] [one sailor presses the hat against the other's chest, indicating he doesn't want it anymore] Port Royal prison [Will and the governor rapidly descend stone steps into the prison] [the guard at the bottom of the steps holds a long gun with a bayonette on the end] CARRUTHERS Here now. He can't be here. CARRUTHERS Mister Swann, - ELIZABETH SWANN Jack's Compass. What does Beckett want with that? WILL TURNER Does it matter? I'm to find Jack and convince him to return to Port Royal. In exchange the charges against us will be dropped. WILL TURNER Is that lack of faith in Jack, or in me? ELIZABETH SWANN I have faith in you. Both of you. Where will you find him? WILL TURNER Tortuga. I'll start there, and I won't stop searching 'til I find him. And then I intend to return here, to marry you. ELIZABETH SWANN Properly? WILL TURNER Eagerly, if you'll still have me. ELIZABETH SWANN If it weren't for these bars I'd have you already. [the governor accidentally knocks a candleholder off the wall] [the governor tosses the candleholder aside, onto the floor] ELIZABETH SWANN I'll wait for you. WILL TURNER Keep a weather eye on the horizon. [Will walks back up the prison steps] Tortuga WEATHERED SAILOR Captain Jack Sparrow? Owes me four dubloons. Heard he was dead. HALF-BLIND FISHERMAN Singapore. That's what I heard. Drunk with a smile on his face. Sure as the tide, Jack Sparrow... will turn up in Singapore. [Scarlett is a redhead, Giselle is a blonde, both are standing together, answering Will's questions] GISELLE Jack Sparrow! SCARLETT I haven't seen 'im in a month. GISELLE When you find him, will you give him a message? [Giselle slaps Will in the face] [a black man who is a shrimper is sitting on a dock, mending his nets] [in the background is a bunch of bananas on the dock, and a goat being loaded aboard a ship] SHRIMPER Cannot say about Jack Sparrow. But dere's a island, just south of de straits, where I trade spice for... mmm... delicious long pork. Cannot say about Jack. But you find a ship dere. A ship wit' black sails. CANNIBAL ISLAND beach [Black Pearl seen stranded on a beach, through a spyglass] SHRIMPER My brother will take you ashore. [the shrimper's brother is rowing Will toward the shore] [the rower stops rowing] WILL TURNER What's wrong? The beach is right there. SHRIMPER'S BROTHER ?: Ne bougeais pas, c'est trop dangereux. WILL TURNER What? SHRIMPER'S BROTHER ?: Je ne peux, c'est trop dangereux, j'avais le dit. Bon voyage, monsieur. [Will jumps off the rowboat, swims ashore, wearing his sword] [aerial view, flying over jungle toward beach, showing Will wading ashore] [Will walks alongside the Black Pearl, which is tied with ropes to stakes in the sand] WILL TURNER Jack! Jack Sparrow! WILL TURNER Marty! Cotton! Anybody? [Will wanders into the palm jungle bordering the beach] [Cotton's parrot flutters up and lands atop a palm stump] COTTON'S PARROT Awk! WILL TURNER Ah! A familiar face! COTTON'S PARROT Rawk! Don't eat me! WILL TURNER I'm not gonna eat you. COTTON'S PARROT Don't eat me! No! Don't eat me! Akkk! [Will finds Gibbs' husk canteen hanging on a plant, trailing a long string] WILL TURNER Gibbs. [Will follows the string attached to the canteen, over toward a large tree] [human eyes open in the background, from a man camouflaged against a nearby tree] [the camouflaged cannibal shouts and jumps out from the tree at Will] [Will is yanked back by a snare, and dangles upside-down from a rope] [cannibals charge out of the bushes from all directions, Will keeps them at bay with his sword] WILL TURNER Euh! Unh! Ya! Come on! Let's go! Euh! Ya! Come on! Who wants it? Unh! I could do this all day! Euh! Euh! Hah! [a cannibal with a bone through his nose uses a blowgun to shoot a dart into Will's neck] [Will drops his sword to the ground] CANNIBAL ISLAND throne [aerial view of flying over the island's mountaintops, toward hilltop throne area] [Will is carried while hung from a bamboo pole, his head hanging back] [human skulls line the path along which Will is taken] [Will is carried over a roap bridge] [one cannibal is wearing an English white wig and using a Western style fan] ? Hurry-hurry tan daga! [Will is brought before Jack, who sits on a throne] [the music stops, Jack pops his eyes open, revealing that his closed eyelids were painted to look like open eyes] WILL TURNER Jack? Jack Sparrow! I can honestly say I'm glad to see you! [Jack says nothing, arises from his throne, walks over to Will] [Jack pushes one finger into Will's shoulder, as if testing how much meat Will has on him] WILL TURNER Jack! It's me! Will Turner! JACK SPARROW ?: Wa-say kohn. ? Een dah-lah. Eeseepi. CANNIBAL CROWD Eeseepi. WILL TURNER Tell 'em to let me down. JACK SPARROW Kay-lay lam. Lam piki-piki. Lam eensy weensy. Lam say-say... eunuchy. Snip-snip. CANNIBAL CROWD Ahhh... eunuchy! [Jack begins to walk away, as if disinterested, his Compass hangs from his waist] WILL TURNER Jack! The Compass! That's all I need, Elizabeth is in danger. We were arrested for trying to help you. She faces the gallows! [Jack halts, pauses, turns around and casually walks back] JACK SPARROW Say-say lam shoop-shoop sha smalay-lama shoo-koo. Savvy? Ball licky-licky. Ball licky-licky! CANNIBAL CROWD Ball licky-licky! [the cannibals begin chanting, repetitiously] CANNIBAL CROWD ?Boom-shoo-boom, ?boom-shoo-boom, ?boom-shoo-boom... JACK SPARROW