Here we are again at the Pompous-Gitsí Den where another batch of
desperate entrepreneurs will try to get
our arrogant, tight-fisted but disgustingly rich investors to part with their
cash. First up we have Graham Bell with a
brand new concept in telecommunications.
Iím Graham, Chief Executive of Galactic
Communications. Today Iím hoping to raise five-million pounds for a 20% share in
the company. Our product is an amazing new phone, the GC-6Gi. This device can
send text, photos, music, videos and even thought waves to anyone on any planet
in our Galaxy.
Wait! Wait! I really must interrupt. Did you say Ďto
any planet in the Galaxyí?
Thatís right to any . . .
(INTERUPTING) That is absolutely preposterous. Are you
trying to tell us that with that phone you can talk to
Exactly. The phone will even translate any alien
language into that of the user.
This is ridiculous. Iíve never heard such utter
Well Dungcan doesnít sound too happy with our budding
entrepreneur but will Richbastard Moneygrabber come to
Dungcan, give the guy a chance to talk. Look I own
eight-hundred technology companies and to be honest Graham
this device seems too good to be
true. Can you give us a demo?
Certainly, try for yourself. Press the menu button
and select one of the two-billion planets that have been
F/X: BEEP BEEP
Okay, so youíve selected one of the planets
orbiting Betelgeuse Ė good choice. Using the arrow buttons select
any sector of the planet.
F/X: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Right, now press the button marked Ďdialí.
No one seems to be answering.
There could be several reasons for that. The planet
may be uninhabited, you may have chosen a deserted area, it
may be the middle of their night,
the alien might be in the bath or they might not have invented telephones on
that planet yet.
Or your phone may be a piece of crap.
Oh dear, after that disastrous demo, Graham has angered our
Pompous-Gits. Heíll really need to work hard
if heís going to get their money.
Hello, Iím Debbybaby Hardlady and I must say Iím fast
losing interest. Tell me, do you even have a patent for
Yes. Not only have I a patent for the technology
but I have also patented all forms of communications between
any planets in the Galaxy.
Nonsense. You couldnít possible get a patent for that.
Well I have Ė whatís more if beings on different
planets are already talking to each other then my company can
claim royalties on every call that
they have made in the past ten million years.
How could you possibly get a patent for that?
Iíve got contacts.
Letís get back to practicalities, whatís your projected profit
for the next five years?
Eight-thousand billion pounds.
For a product that doesnít even work?
But the punters donít know that. As far as theyíre
concerned itís just a matter of keeping trying -
and every time they do we make money.
This is not a business. This is a scam.
Well . . . yeah . . . but a very profitable scam.
Graham, come clean with us. Have you actually sold any of
Yes. Last month we sold over three-million pounds
worth of phones and weíre also selling distribution rights
for every country in the world
and every planet in the Galaxy. Only last week we took one-million for the
distribution rights for Mars and
four-million for the star group Zuben Elakrab.
So are you telling us that with this scam, sorry, business
we could quickly become the richest people in the world?
Richest in the Galaxy actually.
Graham, let me tell you my position on this. What you
have here is just a cheap fraud. And the sad thing is
thereís so many bloody gullible
people around itís going to work . . . (PAUSE) . . . so Iím in.
Me too Ė Iíll give the full five-million for 20% of the
Wait a minute. I want in on this.
Hey - I offered first.
Right, Iíll up my offer to eight-million pounds.
Donít be so bloody greedy Ė I want my share.
Well youíll need to fight me for it big man.
Well it seems that our entrepreneur wonít be leaving the en empty
handed and as soon as the fighting stops Iím
sure our Pompous-Gits will come
to an amiable agreement. Well done Graham.