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Humorous Scripts: The CockCam Doctor. Author: Stuart Macfarlane
F/X: NOISE OF BUSY HOSPITAL RECEPTION.


MRS WELLBYFECK:   Hello, Iím here for my 2 oíclock appointment (LOWERS VOICE) to have my thingy checked.

RECEPTIONIST #1:       (ABRUPTLY) Name?

MRS WELLBYFECK:     Agnes . . . Agnes Wellbyfeck

RECEPTIONIST #1:      (LOUD AND DISAPPROVINGLY) Thatís another patient for the CockCam Doctor.

RECEPTIONIST #2:      (SNEERING) I donít know how he fits them all in.


F/X: SOUND OF RECEPTIONISTS SNIGGERING.


RECEPTIONIST #1:     Right Mrs Wellbyfeck go to waiting room one-hundred-and- twenty-seven Ė straight along the corridor.


F/X: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS ECHOING THROUGH HOSPITAL CORRIDORS.


MRS WELLBYFECK:    Is this queue for . . . for . . . the whatsit?

PATIENT #1:     The CockCam Doctor?

MRS WELLBYFECK:    Ahaaa . . . yes . . . I think thatís what they called him.

PATIENT #1:     Well, youíre in the right place.

MRS WELLBYFECK:     Are you . . . uhh . . . all waiting?

PATIENT #1:    Weíre the standby patients.

MRS WELLBYFECK:     The what?

PATIENT #1:     Weíre on standby. If someone doesnít turn up one of us gets the appointment.

PATIENT #2:     You got an appointment?

MRS WELLBYFECK:     Me? . . . Yes . . . 2 oíclock.

PATIENT #2:     Oooh, you lucky bastard.

PATIENT #1:     Iíve been standing here for 6 days hoping to see him.

PATIENT #2:      Yeah itís not fair is it?


F/X: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING.


COCKCAM DOCTOR:     Mrs Wellbyfeck please.


F/X: SOUND OF WALKING THEN DOOR CLOSING.


COCKCAM DOCTOR:      (PANTING) Do take a seat.

MRS WELLBYFECK:        Oh, youíre looking ever so tired. Are you alright?

COCKCAM DOCTOR:      Yes, yes, itís just so hectic here. Youíre my 18th patient today.

MRS WELLBYFECK:        Ooooh . . . thatís a shame.

COCKCAM DOCTOR:      Right Mrs Wellbyfeck we best get started, please take off all your clothes and lie down on the bed.

MRS WELLBYFECK:       Okay doctor.


F/X: SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING AND THEN BEDSPRINGS.



MRS WELLBYFECK:      Oh doctor . . . why are you getting undressed?

COCKCAM DOCTOR:      Didnít reception explain the new procedure for your endoscopy?

MRS WELLBYFECK:      No, they didnít say nothing.

COCKCAM DOCTOR:     Dear, dear. Useless bunch. Well let me tell you all about it. What Iím going to do is to give your inners a good old

                                          examination with the CockCam.



MRS WELLBYFECK: CockCam?     Whatís a CockCam?

COCKCAM DOCTOR:       Itís an amazing piece of micro-technology. The CockCam is tiny camera and has been transplanted onto the end of my penis. Have a look, you can barely see it.

MRS WELLBYFECK:      (EMBARASSED) Oooooo! That is big . . . I mean small.
                                             (PAUSE) So what do you do with it?

COCKCAM DOCTOR:        Well I put it inside you and take a jolly good look around. Itís completely painless and in fact most of my patients quite like it.

MRS WELLBYFECK:        But why does it have to be on your . . . your thingy? Why not use the normal type of camera?

COCKCAM DOCTOR:      Far too expensive. Cut backs you know. Hospitals need to save as much money as they can.

MRS WELLBYFECK:       Oh. Right.

COCKCAM DOCTOR:      So letís get on with it. Lie back and get comfortable. Then we can begin.


F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ohhh . . . ohhhhh . . . oooohhhhhhh.


F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN ĖMORE FRANTICALLY.


MRS WELLBYFECK & COCKCAM DOCTOR:       Ohhh . . . ahhh . . . ohhhhh . . . ooooooohhhhhhh . . ooh . . . aah . . . ooh  (AT SCREEMING PITCH)

                                                                                     ooohhhhhhhhhh!!!

COCKCAM DOCTOR:      There, that wasnít so bad was it?

MRS WELLBYFECK:       (PANTING) No, it was quite pleasant actually . . . (PAUSE)

                                      . . . but tell me something, why is it cheaper using the CockCam.

COCKCAM DOCTOR:       Well with the traditional method the staffing costs were horrendous but my way is really cheap . . . you see . . . I do it all for free.


END
 

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