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Humorous Scripts: A more secret society Author: Douglas Brown

ANNOUNCER                      Earlier today special reporter Bill Daily went along to the Annual General Meeting of the Association of Middlemen, Orifices and Corporate Shields to learn more about this clandestine organisation.

 

ATMOS :                                DISTANT SOUNDS REVERBERATING INLARGE HALL

 

BILL                                       [WHISPERING] This highly secret AGM has been going on now behind locked doors for the last three hours.  I am approaching Andrew Reticence, Chairman of the Association of Middlemen, Orifices and Corporate Shields as he emerges from the AGM. [RAISES VOICE] Mr Reticence! Excuse me. Mr Reticence.  I am Bill Daily from the BBC may I speak with you?

 

RETICENCE                          [POSH] Perhaps.

 

BILL                                       Jolly good!       

 

RETICENCE                          [SMARMY] But before I do, I must insist that you give me your mother’s maiden name, your surname, your date of birth, and your postcode?

 

BILL                                       [CONFUSED] Ermm, Malone, Daily, the 2nd of August           1960 and W1A 1AB?

 

RETICENCE                          Wait one moment and I will confirm that.

 

FX                                          BLEEPS FROM MOBILE PHONE PAD

 

RETICENCE                          Yes everything seems to be in order.

                                               My name is Andrew.  How can I be of assistance?

 

BILL                                       I would like to ask a few questions on behalf of the News Ageny            concerning the purpose and mandate of your association.

 

RETICENCE                          Ah. I see.

 

FX :                                         SHORT PAUSE

 

BILL                                        Sooo. What is the purpose of the Association of           Middlemen, Orifices and Corporate Shields?                                   

 

RETICENCE                           Could I ask you to have the courtesy to wait until my colleague Mr Devout joins us before I answer any more of your questions?

 

BILL                                       [GRITTED TEETH] Yes! That's fine

 

ATMOS:                                 BACKGROUND SOUND FADES OUT

 

FX:                                          SHORT PAUSE

 

                                               BACKGROUND SOUND FADES IN

 

BILL                                       Mr Reticence could we speak now that your colleague Mr Devout is with you?     

 

RETICENCE                          Mr Devout could you help over here please?

 

DEVOUT                                [NURD] Certainly, but for security  …….

                                              

RETICENCE                          [INTERRUPTING] Pippywinks, Reticence, 23rd of May          1974, and B9 5PP.

 

FX                                          BLEEPS FROM MOBILE PHONE PAD

 

BILL                                       [FRUSTRATED] Malone, Daily, the 2nd of August 1960 and W1A 1AB.  Now look….

 

FX                                          BLEEPS FROM MOBILE PHONE PAD

 

DEVOUT                                [BREAKING-IN] Yes everything seems to be in order. My name is Darren.  How can I be of assistance to you two fine gentlemen, today?

                                              

RETICENCE                          This gentleman is from the News Agency and would like to ask me a few questions about the Association of Middlemen,        Orifices and Corporate Shields.  What do you think? Mr Devout.

 

DEVOUT                                [THOUGHTFUL ELONGATED WORDS] Hmm! tricky. Ah. There's the very man. Mr Staunch! Excuse me Mr Staunch.  I wonder if you could possibly help us here?

 

BILL                                       [ANGRY] For goodness sake.

 

STAUNCH                             Yes of course but first a for security purposes ……..

 

BILL                                       [PITCH RAISED] Not Again.

                                              

RETICENCE                          [INTERRUPTS CHEERILY] Pippywinks, Reticence, 23rd       of May 1974, and B9 5PP.  Now if you will excuse me.

 

FX                                          BLEEPS FROM MOBILE PHONE PAD

 

BILL                                       [WHIMPERING] Malone, Daily, the 2nd of bloody August       1960  and W1A 1AB.  Now could we just…

 

FX                                          BLEEPS FROM MOBILE PHONE PAD

 

STAUNCH                             [INTERRUPTING]  And?

 

DEVOUT                                Chiddlepop, Devout, 16th of January 1969, L37 8DL.

 

FX                                          BLEEPS FROM MOBILE PHONE PAD

 

STAUNCH                              Yes everything seems to be in order. Good afternoon.  My name is Steven.  And how can I be of assistance?

 

BILL                                      [END OF TETHER] Now Look. Never bloody mind the mother’s maiden names and all those totally unnecessary postcodes. (RAISING HIS VOICE) I just want to ask a few questions concerning the purpose and mandate of the Association of Middlemen, Orifices and Corporate Shields for the listening public.

 

STAUNCH                             [CUTS-IN] Well why didn’t you say? The man you need is just over there.

 

BILL                                       [ASIDE] Give me strength.

 

STAUNCH                             I’ll just get him for you. Excuse me. Mr Reticence would you care to answer a few questions for the News Agency?

 

RETICENCE                          [POLITE] Now Listen.  

                                               I am not, [LOUDER] I repeat, not prepared to undermine the reputation of the National Customer Service Department by divulging that information.  Now Good Afternoon and thank you for calling. 

 

BILL                                       This is Bill Daily reporting from the bloody Association of Customer Service Departments and returning you to the studio.

                                              

                                               END

 
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